Economy Comfort My A$$!

If you have flown much at all, I am sure you have done this yourself.  You board the aircraft, take your seat, and at once start scanning the people still coming down the aisle, your fellow passengers, wondering who will be your neighbor for the next few hours.  I realize of course that my watching will not in any way affect the outcome, but I can't help doing this.  Why?  Well I often say, and I believe this, that every flight that both takes off and lands is a good flight.  "Good", however is a relative measure.  A few bumps, a little delay, a defective video screen, none of these really matter; in fact they are more or less the norm.  But who you are sitting next to can mean the difference between a pleasant journey and  the kind of trip that makes you think evil thoughts!  And the longer the flight, the more vile the thoughts become. 

Who are these bad neighbors?  They are many and varied, but they can be categorized. 

• "The Talker".  The man or woman who thinks I really care to hear about their grandchildren, their job, or their views on politics.  You might think this is the worst of all, and they are annoying to be sure, but can easily be drowned out with an iPod and by completely ignoring them with closed eyes for a few minutes - the densest of them eventually get the picture.
• "The Newsie".  The guy who insists on reading the Financial Times front to back with elbows spread beyond the confines of the armrest.  I am a pretty easy going guy, but a few elbow jabs to the ribs will make me downright territorial. 
• "The Brat".  The only thing worse than having little Trevor or Brittney sitting next to you is having them behind you, practicing punting or ballet steps on the back of your seat.  There is no good way to complain about this one, no defense.  You will be looked on as the bad guy.
• "Perfume Lady".  The worst of the worst.  Perfume should be banned on aircraft, period.  The TSA can sniff out explosives, I am sure technology exists to detect a copious application of "Eau de Nasty".  No defense against this one either, you have to breathe.

So where am I going with this?  On Wednesday I boarded my flight from Tokyo to Minneapolis, took my aisle seat, and began my scan.  "He looks OK. She looks like no problem.  Woman with infant?  Whew, she passed by..."  and on and on.   Then I saw her!  Five foot ten, 350 pounds, so wide she brushed the seats on both sides of the aisle as she waddled towards me.  "Please no, please no, not this one!" I thought silently.  But as fate would have it, she had the middle seat next to me.

Now I realize that I carry a quite a few extra pounds myself, but I do fit within the confines of an airline coach seat.  Not this woman.  She had to wedge her girth between the armrests so tight that both rests creaked as they splayed outward.  Her flab enveloped the armrest, and her right arm protruded well past.  Pressed against the aisle armrest, pushed to the right so I could not even sit straight, nowhere else to go, there was no way to avoid physical contact...FOR ELEVEN HOURS!  I thought I could just find another seat, and after takeoff I looked, but the flight was completely full.  I resigned myself to my fate.  I sat perched like an hour hand pointing at one o'clock for the remainder of the flight.

I thought of asking her "Are you planning to pay me for the 10% of my seat which you are occupying?"   I didn't.  I suppose I am too polite for that.  There was nothing to be gained by embarrassing her.  And in hind sight she was not rude.  She did not try to start a conversation.  And best of all, she was not wearing perfume!  But I did pay for a seat, not 90% of a seat.  A person that large should pay for a space large enough to contain them, either 2 coach seats or one in first class.

...but in the end the flight landed, so I guess that makes it OK.